By Rachael Tunje
He usually comes to visit me at night on the occasion that I am unable to speak to him during the day. He comes with plenty of coded messages that I have to decipher and boy it always proves to be a task. I often ponder on them for a while and tend to think I get it right up until I am proved wrong, and I have to start over. He is a confusing fellow but oh how I love him.
There is this particular message I got very loud and clear though. He was jealous; is jealous when it comes to me. He wants my full attention all day every day, and at times I can’t offer him that. At times I just want some time off, but it is at these times that I need him most.
I am coming to realize the weight to which he affords his affection, love, and devotion. He gives his all and yet here I am half-hearted, my head trying to wrap itself around the idea that I can be fully devoted to someone as well. It is not that I don’t love him, I do. It is just that my heart seems to think that there is something more; something of this world that I need to experience before I can finally settle down. I would say I am a free spirit and being tied down at times is not my thing.
I tend to think that being tied down to someone is an eternal thing and I cannot settle in eternity when my heart is not all in. My heart is currently in a lot of places you would think I am pizza. A slice here and another there and I guess what he is trying to tell me is that I need to choose. I need to find that one thing that will fully satisfy me and I know he wants me to choose him.
I got tangled up in relationships a while back. No, I was not dating but I got emotionally attached and well these attachments never seem to go away fully. There was the first guy who got in my heart, well maybe not the first but he got in deep. Hook, line and sinker he went to the deepest depths of my heart. And sadly I could not evacuate him. I spent many a sleepless night trying to purge myself of his memory in tears but I guess all tears do is clean out the heart not the mind. So he stays at the back of my mind and ever so often pops up to the forefront and come to think of it quite often.
So I guess that is one thing my dear seems to want to be tackled. He wants me free from that attachment, and several more. It is weird how you can get attached even without knowing it. Like there was one we were just friends until I realized I had developed some feelings and so had he. Only for me to discover he was dating which was a major bust since we had gotten quite close, too close maybe. Then there was one who I was out and out alert not to get anywhere close to attachment and it so happened that he ended up attached and I thought I was better off until he decided to severe the attachment only to realize it was a two-way thing.
I am gathering from the fact that I can easily get attached and the outcome often ends up in pain that I am scared of giving myself fully to this amazing individual who is going all out for me. It sucks being afraid to love fully with the notion that it might not end well, rather, that it might actually end.
So maybe I may have some fear of commitment thinking that I might get hurt. But there is another fear I discovered I had that is even more frightening, the fear of not being fully committed; unfaithfulness. This is something that has plagued me quite a while, and it is something he is constantly trying to address; having my heart fully given to him in all things at all times. Maybe I am afraid that at some point in time I might cheat or rather my attention and affection will be shifted to someone or something else. That fear has me and relationship with him at arm’s length simply because I fear I may hurt him, that I won’t be able to give him my all and end up breaking his heart. And I know he knows this yet he is not willing to give up. His pursuit is relentless and he seeks to quell my misgivings. But I often resolve to stay where I am at; a state of none commitment.
There is this great deception that I might come up short. Okay, probably it might happen but I shouldn’t let that hinder me from giving into love. Loving and letting myself be loved. I got plenty of shortcomings but he chooses to love me regardless. He loves me with an everlasting love and all he asks is my heart in return. The sad thing is my heart is beaten down, bleeding, worn and torn, broken, battered and bruised. Why would someone want that? Why would someone want me? I am a whole lot of insecure and skewed. But he loves me anyway.
So he visits me in the night and at times I fear what he has to show me. My greatest fear other than letting him down and letting myself down is being loved with the intensity that he is coming with. To say I fear love is strange but true. Yet I know he will help me through. I am finally choosing to be loved. My love might not be perfect but his love covers it all. So this valentine I am going to soak in his love, now, and for eternity yet.
His night time visits I will continue to anticipate, even as I wait for that wonderful day when he will be mine for life. He asked me on such a night if I could be his bride, and I said yes with all my heart. So that is the journey I am on, loving and being loved; by the perfect guy who won my heart, Jesus.