Written By Kelvin Kasili
This is because I am glad to have come across an online post that was way too disconcerting and weighed heavily on its writer. The post had a dull resonance and it drew vulnerability from the first letter of print to the last. She had painfully written about her loss, her most grievous, on her post. I was empathetic and I send out my heart to her as the least I can do because I am tortured by sporadic thoughts of her pain.
The world couldn’t be any more unfair. She had a Stillbirth. She bore the pain of heinous unpredictable nature and I think it’s understandable that she moves in and out of grief. For those who may not have heard of the term before, it’s typically defined as fetal death at or after 20 to 28 weeks of pregnancy. It results to baby born without signs of life.
She is suffering, and I pray as time marches on, nature will be kind enough to make reparations for taking what she carried in her womb. I pray nature gifts her with twins. She was brave to share her story, most women shy away and let the pain eat away at them until they fall into depression. But with her, she came out boldly and told the world that she is definitely not okay with what unfortunately befell her. I commend her for her brave disposition that motivated me to write this. I hope she one day becomes a story of hope to another that may go through the same untoward ordeal. She needs occasional reminder that the world is still a better place to live in with the love of friends and family and stay clear of the crass sentiments of those that view this misfortune as a curse or pretend to care by making boorish assumptions of how and why it happened.
Sympathy upped and pinched me to try and understand what causes stillbirth. Medical specialists suggest that it could be because of a malfunctioning Placenta, congenital abnormalities, maternal conditions like diabetes and hemorrhage or even genetic defects. 1 in 200 births, in the recent survey, is the likely frequency of a stillbirth occurrence. Our African perspectives of the issue is a little crude and misinformed, for example, in my traditional culture, it’s a taboo and you are immediately pronounced a misfit, especially if your formative years were characterised by night pleasures or unhealthy social practices that were considered “not decent”.
I know it is profoundly exciting to watch your tummy move as the baby inside of you kicks. Mothers can testify to those who are yet or unable to experience, the hairs on your back stand every time it happens. Well I may not experience it ever in my entire existence, but I sure have been part of the process, I made mother feel the ecstatic emotion when I kicked and I may in future cause one to kick in the one who will carry my child. The sign of life inside of you, it’s much of a grand affair per se, the wonderful joy of motherhood, bringing fourth something great and a charge of electric joy the mother feels in her womb, the umbilical dimension of connection that makes the unborn be a part of her is a completion for the mother. And just when you thought barrenness was the worst, you find a woman with so much expectation of how she will dress her tottering toddler stripped away from her by stillbirth. And now she’s staring at a hopeless year ahead not knowing how to deal with the loss.
I may not understand the intricate details of being a mother and giving life, but I am fortunate to have a mother, to know that the bond is stronger than any bond you know. I see many women nowadays take pregnancy for granted; millennials have no idea of how a successful pregnancy is, for lack of a better word, magical. Abortion should never be an option after you understand the pain of an expectant mother losing a baby before it even sees the world. I know most women will yell at me, that I couldn’t understand, but frankly speaking, in this 21st century, does it really hold water when you say you got pregnant by accident? I understand all too well the phrase “YOLO”, coined by the millennial, to say “today is the oldest you have ever been, and the youngest you will ever be again” to justify “nothing stands in the way of their recklessness.” Live! But do so with caution and moderation, because drinking when you’re pregnant or doing so excessively when you plan on having a child in the near future is just absurd and it will ruin your health a great deal.
So, for those that have had a still birth, which happened under no fault of your own, I ask you, forgive yourself, it is the only way you will get over it and not battle your own soul. I know you may want to hide your face, harbor in the shadows and just feel the weight of what happened hammering away, but understand one thing, the public heart is infinitely fickle and they will talk nonsense to your ear. The process of healing, darling, starts from within, it starts from you accepting and looking forward to having a fulfilling life. Forget the mental holocaust, mask the pain and don’t buy into the fear that’s been ripping at your soul that “what if it happens again.” Listen here, I am no doctor but I know this for a fact, if you have positive thoughts, then it will more often than not manifest itself. Pray hard, pray always, have a wise counsel from a son of God and reside in the stories of hope from other parents who have gone through the same and finally had their miracle. Smile more often to attract the miracle your way, plus, you may gradually feel how you look. Its easier said than done, but I promise you, it’s a step forward.
Bid goodbye to drugs, maintain a healthy weight, maintain a healthy lifestyle and diet regimes, consume prenatal fetal medicine prescribed and kill the stress.
My heartfelt condolences and apology to the lady who inspired me.
I pray your womb bears anew!