Written by Elsie Ndonga
‘She is a modern day young Biko,’ The 12th December issue of The Standard read.
It was official, I was famous. I had made it. But I had to act quickly on this new found fame. Cucu had to be informed, a goat slaughtered in my honor, our village named after me. This was huge.
But I was worried. With this new information coming to light, my secret was bound to find its way into the hands of the prying paparazzi (with my new found fame and all).
‘Dukanareke mwaki wakane utare urahareria iria’ (Do not let the fire light before you ready the milk), my grandmother used to say. She of course meant it literally but I was not one to let wise words slip away. I was going to forcefully turn them into a deep metaphorical saying and shove it down my kids throats like the loving mother I was sure to become.I had to act quick, air my dirty laundry before anyone else dragged it from its dusty little closet.
Well here goes. *Drum roll* I AM BIKO’S DAUGHTER. I repeat, I AM BIKO’S DAUGHTER. After 21 years, the secret is finally out. Haters will say that am lying and blast it on their twitter handles and very soon #ellaliar will be trending. I will ignore them and proudly storm the streets of Nairobi wearing my printed ‘BIKO MY LONG LOST FATHER’ t-shirt. They will go on to demand that I procure a DNA test to prove the paternity claims. I will decline owing to the very valid reason that am too malnourished to spare any of my cells for testing. I will however, seeing that I am an ambassador of the truth, produce other sources of evidence to prove my relation to Biko.
A wise old scientist once said (that scientist being 21 year old me with the only scientific knowledge I can fathom being parts of a leaf), ‘Positive behavior breeds negativity ‘. We all know Biko’s anti-photograph campaign is strong. He’s face on the internet is almost nonexistent. His Instagram page is filled with pictures of his experiences. Humble if not heroic. Now to moi. My face is plastered on literally every social media page I own complete with #Selflove #Lovingme #Idontfuckwithyou hashtags. Heck I’ll even hack into your account and post myself as your WCW. It is my screensaver, my mum’s screensaver and my laptop wallpaper. Everyday my cat greets me at the door staring at me with its watery hunger-stricken eyes. I hang a picture of myself next to its litter box, because I know that it does not hunger for food but for my beauty. I can proudly say, my vanity game is strong
Only a humble peasant can bring forth such rottenness to the world. Ergo, Biko= me father matties. *insert pirate accent*
Now, now settle down people. I can see you all with your talons mercilessly preparing to dig into my frail body from the above heading. Yes I agree, from first glance, Biko and I may not look like we came from the same ramopithecus. However, if you look closely (using a periscope, a spyglass and under a microscope), you will notice a very unique spot right above Biko’s eyebrow. I have an exact same spot in my regions I will not mention because I don’t want to scare people. All I can say is that anyone who tries to confirm my allegations will be sued for sexual harassment.
I think any layman would agree that I have provided ample evidence to prove my allegations. The media will try to get comments from Biko’s family members. It will however not be possible since they have all taken a vacation to mourn the loss of their dog (Tumi) in a remote area with no cell signal WHATSOEVER. I would ask that people respect their privacy at such a trying time.
In Memory of Tumi
*Inserts cute picture of dog she never saw*
I didn’t get to meet you but I know you would have appreciated a picture of me in your kennel. Worry not, we will meet again.